Brené Brown is a researcher studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. I reference the concepts in this book often with myself and others. - Whole-heartedness is the feeling of being "enough" and worthy of connection. - [[The man in the arena]] - ==There can be no courage without vulnerability== - it's core to our human experience - Some people get stuck on valuing success and recognition, but that can lead to adopting [[#Armor and masks]]. ==A better core value is courage because if you're courageous you can't lose==. - Shame is the fear of disconnection from others - Guilt is different from shame. Guild is "I did something bad" whereas shame is "I am bad" - A neat definition of [[Love]] based on Brené's research - **On becoming real**, from The Velveteen Rabbit: > “Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real.” “Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit. “Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real, you don’t mind being hurt.” “Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?” “It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because ==once you are Real, you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand==.” ## Trust - Trust is gained and lost in small increments rather than large ones. Think of trust as a jar of marbles - when you betray trust you take some - Disengagement is the worst betrayal and it can happen over years. [[Turning away]] from someone over time can completely erode trust. ## Shame [[Resilience]] - Often we have an internal dialogue in our head that no one who care about us would dare say - it's like having evil gremlins driving our [[Stories]] about the world - It's great to move those stories into a [[Subject-object relationship]] so we can examine them ### Four elements of shame resilience - Be aware of our shame and understand our triggers - Be able to challenge [[Unexamined assumptions]] we have about our shame - Reach out and get social support - Putting language to our shame ### Strategies for shame resilience - Be brave and reach out to people who love you - Treat yourself like you would a close friend - Own the story - This means writing down the story, challenging it, and shaping it to be more true ## Shame gender differences ### Women - Need for perfection in every category of life - Societal attributes associated with femininity according to research: Being nice, pursuing a thin body ideal, showing modesty by not calling attention to one’s talents or abilities, being domestic, caring for children, investing in a romantic relationship, keeping sexual intimacy contained within one committed relationship, and using resources to invest in one’s appearance - Not allowed to look like you're working for it - has to be "natural" - Like a web of competing and conflicting expectations of who, what, and how you should be. Every choice has a consequence and ensnares you more ### Men - Core message: Don't be weak - Societal attributes associated with masculinity according to research: Winning, emotional control, risk-taking, violence, primacy of work, playboy, self-reliance, dominant, power over women, disdain for homosexuality, pursuit of status - No one actually wants to be connected with a man like this - Like the box for the Wizard of Oz: we need to be controlling our image as a strong, all-powerful man - Men's primary unhealthy reactions to shame are to get pissed off or shut down - For men, sexual rejection is a key shame trigger. Men learn from a very early age that they are responsible for initiating sex and that rejection it's equivalent to unworthiness ## Armor and masks - Armor and masks protect us from scarcity - Properties of scarcity: Shame, comparison, disengagement - Enough is the opposite of scarcity - "I am enough" - worthiness vs shame - "I've had enough" - boundaries vs one-upping and comparison - "Showing up, taking risks, and letting myself be seen is enough" - engagement vs disengagement ### The three universal vulnerability shields - **Foreboding Joy**: The paradoxical dread that clamps down on momentary joyfulness - The cure for foreboding joy is gratitude based on data: appreciating what we have - **Perfectionism**: Believing that doing everything perfectly means you'll never feel shame - Perfectionism is more about perception than internal comparison. There's no way to control perception - When we feel judgment or shame we try to become more perfect. It's an addictive cycle - ==Many parts of our lives can be perfect, but what is imperfect is art. Art most closely resembles what it's like to be human, and calling something art releases us from our perfection.== - The cure for perfectionism is self-compassion, or embracing our flaws. We need to take a balanced approach to our pain. - **Numbing**: The embrace of whatever deadens the pain of discomfort and pain - We can't numb negative emotions without also numbing positive ones - Some examples of numbing: - Staying "crazy busy" and never slowing down enough to reflect - "Taking the edge off" with a beer or cigarette or other negative habit - We try to numb when we feel disconnection, anxiety, and shame - Anxiety is rooted in shame - if we were just smarter and stronger and better we would be able to handle this - We can either try to manage and sooth the anxiety itself (numbing) or we can change the behavior that leads to the anxiety - Disconnection is also rooted in shame - when we feel disconnected we don't feel worthy of connection - Isolation is one of the most extreme negative emotions: the feeling of being "locked out" of connection and powerless to change things - People will do almost anything to escape the feeling of condemned isolation and powerlessness - "Shadow Comforts" - temporary comforts that don't nourish us. These depend on *why* we're doing the action - Think: Are my choices leading to whole-heartedness or are they a temporary reprieve from my own suffering? - I-it relationships are when people interact with each other like objects (compared to I-you relationships) and a form of numbing - Cures for numbing: try to feel your emotions, being mindful of numbing, and leaning into hard emotion ### Other vulnerability shields - Viking or victim: Seeing the world as consisting of two types of people - victim suckers and vikings, or people who dominate the victims. - Viking or victim people tend to see the hardships of their lives as proof that their theory is true - Love and belonging are irreducible needs for us, and we can't experience love and belonging without vulnerability. Viking or victim doesn't allow for vulnerability - Cure for Viking or victim is redefining success. The definition of success tends to be very grim and having to do with survival for these people - Viking or victim is often very hard to overturn because the person's [[Stories]] say their mentality is keeping them alive physically or emotionally. Often people in this mindset have experienced trauma - Over sharing: really causes disconnection, distrust, and disengagement. Can look like floodlighting or smash and grab - Floodlighting: misusing vulnerability unintentionally - This aims to do some combination of soothing ones pain, testing the loyalty or tolerance in a relationship, and/or hotwiring a new connection before a relationship has been built - Normally vulnerability feels like twinkle lights of shared humanity in the darkness. When we are on the receiving end of floodlighting we wince like someone’s shining a floodlight in our eyes - Trust, mutual empathy, reciprocity, ability to ask for what we need, is important before sharing - Using vulnerability is not the same a as being vulnerable - its armor - Cures for over-sharing: - Self empathy - we need to give ourselves a break on the giving and receiving ends - Boundaries - sharing with a wider audience is only a good idea if the healing is tied to the sharing and not to the response we get - Clarifying intention - Cultivating real connection - Smash and grab: using vulnerability by breaking through social norms to get all the attention you can get - Serpentining: spending energy to avoid vulnerability, procrastinating through zigzagging emotionally - Cure: stay present and move forward - Cynicism, criticism, cool, and cruelty: attacking others who may be vulnerable so we don’t feel vulnerable - Not founded in legitimate fact, but geared to harm - Cool: caring isn’t desirable - Cure: tightrope walking, practicing shame resilience, reality checking - When we stop caring what people think, we lose our ability for connection. When we define ourselves by what people think, we lose our ability for vulnerability - that’s the tightrope - Cruelty is cheap, easy, and chicken-shit - Only accept and pay attention to feedback from people who are in the arena ## Mind the gap - Culture is “how we do things around here” - 10 questions about culture: - What behaviors are rewarded? Punished? - Where and how are people actually spending their resources (time, money, attention)? - What rules and expectations are followed, enforced, and ignored? - Do people feel safe and supported talking about how they feel and asking for what they need? - What are the sacred cows? Who is most likely to tip them? Who stands the cows back up? - What stories are legend and what values do they convey? - What happens when someone fails, disappoints, or makes a mistake? - How is vulnerability (uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure) perceived? - How prevalent are shame and blame and how are they showing up? What’s the collective tolerance for discomfort? - Is the discomfort of learning, trying new things, and giving and receiving feedback normalized, or is there a high premium put on comfort (and how does that look)? - Values - Aspirational vs Practical values - there’s a gap between who we are and where we want to be - Ignoring that gap leads to disconnection - a disengagement divide - We need to lean in to the gap internally and with others ### Disruptive Engagement - Leader: anyone to holds themselves accountable for finding potential in people or processes and developing that potential - The biggest barrier to innovation is the fear of ridicule and failure ### Strategies for building shame resilient cultures 1. Supporting leaders who are willing to dare greatly, talk about shame, and cultivate shame-resilient cultures 2. Look at where shame might be functioning in the organization 3. Help people know what to expect and normalize what it feels like to have healthy growth and engagement 4. Training all employees on the differences between shame and guilt, and teaching them how to give and receive feedback in a way that fosters growth and engagement ### Giving effective [[Feedback]] - Orgs who don't give effective feedback generally have one of two problems: - Not being comfortable with hard conversations - Not knowing how to give and receive feedback in a way that moves people and processes forward - ==Make a goal of normalizing discomfort== - this is how we learn and grow and if we're not uncomfortable we are not growing - Seth Godin says "Leadership is scarce because few people are willing to go through the discomfort required to lead" - Try to view feedback from a strengths perspective - e.g. We can beat ourselves up for being too controlling or micromanaging or we could recognize that we're responsible, dependable, and committed to quality work. Both things are true. - Often our strengths are closely tied to our areas for growth, and we can use our strengths to grow and to frame what we need to change - Vulnerability is at the heart of the feedback process - As the giver and the reciever, it's common to want to "armor up" through anger or self-righteousness. This is just a sign that we're afraid of being wrong, making someone angry, or being blamed - I know I'm ready to give feedback when: - I’m ready to sit next to you rather than across from you - I’m willing to put the problem in front of us rather than between us (or sliding it toward you) - I’m ready to listen, ask questions, and accept that I may not fully understand the issue - I’m ready to acknowledge what you do well instead of picking apart your mistakes - I recognize your strengths and how you can use them to address your challenges - I can hold you accountable without shaming or blaming - I am open to owning my part - I can genuinely thank someone for their efforts rather than criticize them for their failings - I can talk about how resolving these challenges will lead to growth and opportunity - I can model the vulnerability and openness that I expect to see from you - Remember that success is not in giving/receiving good feedback - it's in taking off the armor, showing up, and engaging ## Hope - Hope is a thought process, less of an emotion - Hope is comprised of: - Goals - Pathways - Agency #book