## Myths about marriage - Neuroses or personality problems ruin marriages - Common interests keep you together - Good marriages necessarily involve reciprocation and quid pro quo - Avoiding conflict ruins marriages - Affairs are the root of divorce - Men are not biologically "built" for marriage - Men and women are very different - Men and women both believe the single determining factor by 70% is friendship ## Definitions - **Betrayal** is at the heart of every failed relationship: any act or life choices that doesn't put the commitment and partner "before all others" - Learn to attune to each other and make friendship a top priority - **Repair attempts** are any actions or statements that prevent negativity from escalating out of control - **Bids** are actions or statements that seek engagement and connection from our partner - **Harsh start-ups** are conversations that lead with criticism or contempt ## The four horsemen 1. Criticism - Global and speaks to someone's character or personality - Contrast this with complaints, which have a feeling about a specific event and a request for what we want/need/prefer 2. Contempt 3. Defensiveness - Basically saying "this problem isn't with me, it's with you" 4. Stonewalling - Disengaging from the conversation in a harmful way ## The seven principles 1. Enhance your love maps - Get to know your partner better and engage with their life 2. Nurture your fondness and admiration - This is an antidote to contempt 3. Turn toward each other instead of away - Two obstacles to turning toward: - Missing a bid because it's wrapped in a negative emotion - Being distracted in a wired world - Happy couples live by the credo "when you are in pain, the world stops and I listen" - Focus on witnessing and understanding our partner instead of helping 4. Let your partner influence you 5. Solve your solvable problems - Typical solvable problems: - Work stress - In-laws - Money - Sex - Housework - Internet-fueled distractions - A new baby - Make sure Dad completely engages with the baby - Soften your startup through talking about yourself - I share some responsibility for this - Here's how I feel - About a specific situation - Here's what I need, framed positively - Learn to make and receive repair attempts - Soothe yourself and each other - Compromise - Process grievances so they don't linger 6. Overcome gridlock - These conflicts are based on deep dreams or meanings both partners hold. The key here is in mutually discovering each other's dreams to understand, enable, or participate in them - Methodology: - Detect and discuss the dreams within the conflict - Soothe - Reach a temporary compromise by discussing must-haves and negotiable aspects - Understand and expect the ongoing conflict - Try to inject some humor and levity here! 7. Create shared meaning - The four pillars of shared meaning: - Rituals of connection - Support for each other's roles - Shared goals - Shared values and symbols ## What now? - The magic 6 hours - Partings: saying goodbye and asking about our partner's day - Reunions: a long embrace and a stress-reducing conversation - Admiration and appreciation - Affection - Weekly date - Weekly state of the union - Hold high expectations of the marriage and each other - don't let things go unresolved - Forgive yourself and work on your own sense of worthiness (See [[How I measure my own enoughness]]) #book